Cliff Diving

I am currently in a position where I am completely free to decide. It’s kind of amazing and frightening at the same time. I would compare it to standing at the very edge of a cliff (unless you’re a Native American. I hear they are born without fear of heights…don’t ask me where I heard that. Mike maybe? That sounds right). It’s not often you get this opportunity in life. Everything and nothing matters at the same time. Opportunity is knocking, baby!

Thanks to New York slowly pushing out the struggling young, I am currently on the verge of being out on my ass. This is a terrible thing you might insist, but truly it’s not. I can:

1. Move back home with Mama & Papa, and save a ton of loot.
2. Just blow this popsicle stand altogether and move somewhere new.
3. Move into a place with friends, which saves on rent.
4. Move to Brooklyn, which is expensive but awesome.

I’ve been working really hard to assess my priorities in life, and pardon another list, but this is my latest addition:

1. Hobo (my dog)…don’t even try to convince me to get rid of him!
2. Music.
3. I guess rent?

Somewhere in between Hobo and music is my family and finding myself, but my above list just seems so much cooler and edgier. Point being, I have quite a few options as far a living situation goes, and all of them could potentially lead to completely different doors.

In addition, this economy mumbo jumbo has caused me to be working in an area that doesn’t even remotely interest me. As a result, I’m losing patience for it. I hold onto it in hopes of some miracle coming out of it/not wanting a gap in my resume/having a desire to not be unemployed/liking the dough. With every day, I lose a bit more of why I’m keeping it. Am I being tempted by the Devil himself, or am I just legitimately unhappy with what New York and/or society has to offer me? I don’t regret taking this job because I did learn a little bit about myself, managing, and how to not run an establishment as well as introduced me to the world of 5:15am bus people (quite an interesting club I am now part of). I do feel in my soul that it is time for a change; I have already gotten everything I can from this place. So once again with the lists, I can:

1. Keep trucking it at my job(s), and hope something good will come out of it besides a steady paycheck.
2. Be naughty and quit to hopefully work on my writing and/or my own business.
3. Go to grad school, which I really want to do but can’t seem to tackle what I’d like to study.
4. Go traveling, and grow as a person.
5. Move home and siphon from my savings and leech off my parents.
6. Get an unpaid internship (since I can’t find a damn job). Yay for experience and being around interesting people. Boo to no dinero…as if it’s not hard enough to live in NYC!
7. Or any combination of the above

Lastly, I am once again single…there. I said it! For those of you who were wondering (I’m sure no one), it’s over, and this is really my first step to acceptance. It’s been quite some time since I’ve experienced this kind of total freedom, and I’m glad it happened while I’m still young. It’s bittersweet, and I’m sure I don’t need to go into too much detail. I bet most of you have been in long relationships that have had a drawn out ending. There is something both empowering and overwhelmingly somber about doing things all alone. Let’s leave it at that.

The only thing that’s really clear to me right now is that I fully intend to write myself out of this hole/opportunity (depending on how you look at the glass). Shout out to Carol because she is the one that inspired me to get back into writing. I had forgotten how much of a lifesaver it is. Writing is my only constant right now.

Yesterday is over, and today is today—certainly not yesterday by any stretch of the imagination. I can only hope that optimism rises with tomorrow’s sun.