MTA Breeze

MTA Breeze:
5:15AM Bus

Little tiny crescent moon so out of place among these buildings comprised of McDonalds and malls in this city that no longer cares to carry young people. The beautiful crescent follows me to work with peaks of sunrise so gently rising up from the east. A little breeze of fresh air sneaks in through a slightly cracked open window and cools my face. It almost makes this bus ride worthwhile. This little breeze starts me thinking. How come nobody writes songs about taking the bus? Is the train really that much more romantic? I would write one if I could write songs.

Chunky Mexican guy slugs his tiny coffee usually in the first seat or sometimes standing before he swipes his metro card. Today he drank it in the little park while we all waited for the shining lights to come around the bend. Little old lady uses a small silver comb to brush her bangs back. She smokes by the way. She has a green sometimes yellow rubber band on her glasses attaching the string that keeps them around her neck. She reads the paper—something my generation has sadly missed. She sits in the same seat every day; today I sit next to her. Usually the same people are here, but there are always some new comers. People look surprisingly alert. Are they morning people? Are they on their way home or to work? It’s so early that the body is tricked into thinking it took an epic nap rather than suffering from a lack of good night’s sleep. Asian girl with extremely plain clothes and a large red bag hops on and sits in her usual seat. A number of people are on the phone. Who could they be talking with this early in the morning? It’s the curious world of people who are awake at ungodly hours. I wonder if they take a mental note of this wonderful breeze.

Little breeze, then I remember where I am going, and I am tired. Fuck you NY. I’ve done nothing but love you, and now you’re pushing me out. That’s fine. We’ll leave. The lost generation will head out and leave you with your debt and aging population that won’t be able to sustain itself in 20 years without us. Keep your jobs and your fucking apartments. I pity the handful of young people that can make it here in what is to be a living old folks’ home. I take comfort in the fact that this tiny little crescent moon will follow me wherever I wind up.

Cliff Diving

I am currently in a position where I am completely free to decide. It’s kind of amazing and frightening at the same time. I would compare it to standing at the very edge of a cliff (unless you’re a Native American. I hear they are born without fear of heights…don’t ask me where I heard that. Mike maybe? That sounds right). It’s not often you get this opportunity in life. Everything and nothing matters at the same time. Opportunity is knocking, baby!

Thanks to New York slowly pushing out the struggling young, I am currently on the verge of being out on my ass. This is a terrible thing you might insist, but truly it’s not. I can:

1. Move back home with Mama & Papa, and save a ton of loot.
2. Just blow this popsicle stand altogether and move somewhere new.
3. Move into a place with friends, which saves on rent.
4. Move to Brooklyn, which is expensive but awesome.

I’ve been working really hard to assess my priorities in life, and pardon another list, but this is my latest addition:

1. Hobo (my dog)…don’t even try to convince me to get rid of him!
2. Music.
3. I guess rent?

Somewhere in between Hobo and music is my family and finding myself, but my above list just seems so much cooler and edgier. Point being, I have quite a few options as far a living situation goes, and all of them could potentially lead to completely different doors.

In addition, this economy mumbo jumbo has caused me to be working in an area that doesn’t even remotely interest me. As a result, I’m losing patience for it. I hold onto it in hopes of some miracle coming out of it/not wanting a gap in my resume/having a desire to not be unemployed/liking the dough. With every day, I lose a bit more of why I’m keeping it. Am I being tempted by the Devil himself, or am I just legitimately unhappy with what New York and/or society has to offer me? I don’t regret taking this job because I did learn a little bit about myself, managing, and how to not run an establishment as well as introduced me to the world of 5:15am bus people (quite an interesting club I am now part of). I do feel in my soul that it is time for a change; I have already gotten everything I can from this place. So once again with the lists, I can:

1. Keep trucking it at my job(s), and hope something good will come out of it besides a steady paycheck.
2. Be naughty and quit to hopefully work on my writing and/or my own business.
3. Go to grad school, which I really want to do but can’t seem to tackle what I’d like to study.
4. Go traveling, and grow as a person.
5. Move home and siphon from my savings and leech off my parents.
6. Get an unpaid internship (since I can’t find a damn job). Yay for experience and being around interesting people. Boo to no dinero…as if it’s not hard enough to live in NYC!
7. Or any combination of the above

Lastly, I am once again single…there. I said it! For those of you who were wondering (I’m sure no one), it’s over, and this is really my first step to acceptance. It’s been quite some time since I’ve experienced this kind of total freedom, and I’m glad it happened while I’m still young. It’s bittersweet, and I’m sure I don’t need to go into too much detail. I bet most of you have been in long relationships that have had a drawn out ending. There is something both empowering and overwhelmingly somber about doing things all alone. Let’s leave it at that.

The only thing that’s really clear to me right now is that I fully intend to write myself out of this hole/opportunity (depending on how you look at the glass). Shout out to Carol because she is the one that inspired me to get back into writing. I had forgotten how much of a lifesaver it is. Writing is my only constant right now.

Yesterday is over, and today is today—certainly not yesterday by any stretch of the imagination. I can only hope that optimism rises with tomorrow’s sun.

On the Cusp of Having Everything and Nothing

I often think that that could have easily been me boxed up on the way out, family glazed over. People would bring suits to work and go out drinking on my behalf. They would make arrangements and discuss the events for days to follow probably mixing up the details. Everyone would try to muster up some kind of story that they may have shared with me.

I didn’t know you, and I don’t have a story about our times shared. But I can’t help but feel connected to you now. I wish there could have been some other method; why couldn’t I have known you when you were here? The connection ends with me. The cold ground does not conduct this energy. My heart feels hooked, caught on something that no longer exists, and I never make it ashore.

The best way I can think to honor the relationships with those who are lost is to focus on living my life to the fullest. Although I feel as if I've maybe lost sight of what is important. My heart beats; my blood pumps; it is clear I am alive, but I am cold. How is it that the older we get, the more lost we become? I remember when everything was electric. I used to know exactly who I was and what I wanted in life, what I valued in life. I was inspired. “Unfiguring” it all out, we drift further and further away from our passions. You only live once, and you never know when your time might be up. Be a minimalist, and you will have more in life than you could ever imagine.

What is there really ever to be upset about? I am alive and everything else is just noise. Money is just paper—a thing, and things are just things. I am attempting to part with this feeling that I need to carve a place in this society for myself. I don’t need to fit in nicely; boxes are for the dead. I want to focus on connections and experiences. What can I make, not what can I buy. What can I feel not what can I have. What can I share not what can I get. I’d like to balance my ambition with a certain contentness about where I am, who I am. I really just want to just be. It is time to stop procrastinating and to start being.

I don't want to be a future eater!

I once had a science teacher that belonged to the baby boomer generation. But more specifically she apologized to her class of bright eyed, optimistic, young, mostly freshmen students for all of the irreversible damage that her generation had blown to the environment. She sincerely told us that they had created quite a bad situation for us to remedy. Using the words of former Italian prime minister Amato Giuliano, “[there exists] a general situation in which the older generations have eaten the future of the younger ones." This was originally stated in reference to job malaise among young people in Europe, but I feel as if it is something that echoes throughout every aspect of modern day human society. We’re all about progress but rarely do we take the time to assess what impacts we might have on one another and the planet as a whole as well as our future. Why do we not share a common goal of sustainability, and why do we no longer aspire for longevity? Wouldn't it be better for progress if we made sure to conserve resources and cultures to share with future generations?

It is clear with medical advances that we all want to cling onto life just a little longer, but then why do we disregard life in the name of economic gain? It is a contradiction I will never understand. I suppose some people just take life other than there own for granted. We do not care about our impacts on ecosystems or other countries or even the next borough over. Without humans, there is a balance in this planet; a balance we seem to turn on its head. I was watching a special on the Science Channel the other day about the Plains in Brazil. The giant ant eater (which is quite freaken giant) goes around eating ants and termites. Such a large creature consumes such a small creature yet they never take more than they need. According to the documentary, they never spend more than three minutes at any given ant or termite mound. This ensures that there will be plenty of food for tomorrow and ultimately the next generation. Why do we as humans feel we are so privileged to over consume, over use, and over stay our welcome?

The majority of what we do and how we do it does nothing to fit in with how mother nature runs. Actually it would seem we go out of our way to be harmful. For example, I bought a vacuum about one and a half years ago. My apartment is a one bedroom. I have only two rooms to vacuum--the bedroom (which I rarely vacuum...shhh) and the living room which I vacuum about every three days because my dog is tiny but is as hairy as chubaca. The other day the vacuum broke. Rather than just toss it like most people in my neighborhood would probably do, I brought it to the repair man in hopes of saving it. He told me is was quite over used (which those of you who know me most likely will scoff at the idea of me overusing a vacuum), and the cost to repair it would exceed the cost of the vacuum. Despite my efforts my poor vacuum nevertheless wound up in the trash and is probably on its way to a land fill in Pennsylvania or Virgina or something. The problem is that companies don't make anything built to last anymore, and we are the fools who keep buying this shoddy merchandise without demanding anything different (although believe me, the Eureka company will be getting a letter from me). Most of our cutting edge technology is built to be replaced within a year or two when the next generation of computers, cell phones, or i-pods come out. Our government doesn't enforce any regulations that might change this, but still mostly we the consumers, the voters are to blame. If companies want to decrease the life of its merchandise in order to have us buy more and more therefore increasing there profits, it is only fair that they should flip the bill for recycling...not trashing because that would be wasteful. Or they could allow us to send in last generation's items for an upgrade or send in items to be used for parts and applied towards credit for a new purchase. It seems fairly logical and simple, and it would even seem that all parties would benefit from such practices! The truth is trashing these items actually costs our city money. So why don't we use our dough towards more constructive efforts such as prolonging product life and recycling. As consumers we need to demand it! For Heaven sakes the majority of consumers don't even care enough to use toilet paper made from recycled materials! Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Yay!

As seen with the housing dilemma that plagues the country not even mortgages were built to last. Our roads are not built to last. Our water system is not designed to reuse anything therefore we are wastefully using up our now plentiful resource of fresh water. As I touched upon by using Giuliano's quotation, our economy has not been shaped to last--a realization we are recently embarking on with this whole social security/pension situation. The majority of my elders have such luxuries, but my generation is being thrown into a cold hard world with very few jobs and very few promises. We don't have job security and are certainly not promised social security or a pension. Why? Because the system was not designed to last. There wasn't any thought put into the fact that maybe in generations to follow families will not be having 4 or more children that will eventually enter the job force. Or if we thought about it, certainly no action was taken to curb this sure fire problem. We need to demand that these issues be feasibly and legitimately addressed.

According to many apocalyptic prophecies, the end is near. While this all may be mumbo jumbo (or maybe not), we can't hide from the fact that the end will eventually come whether now or in a thousand years. It would be terrible to be remembered (or not remembered if we're gone) as the era of those who don't care. I saw a documentary in which the scientist had something quite interesting to say. His gist was that the end may indeed be near, but as humans we can define what that end means. Will it be the end of life on earth? or will it be the end of our old belief system and old way of doing things? That's powerful! The end (or degraded state of life...maybe we'll end up like they do in Soylent Green!!), I don't feel is directly linked to whether we use recycled toilet paper or not but rather the ideology and intention behind it.

In all aspects, I feel my future being eaten. It may or may not be too late for my generation, but for the next generation to be free, drastic changes need to be made. I don't want to be a future eater. The best thing we can do is put our little feeties down, and say no more. While changes will be difficult I have faith in people, and I know our planet will bounce back with or without us (preferably with us). I hope we can teach the next generation to consider and change what past generations could not. I hope we still have time, but changes must not be saved for tomorrow. They must be instilled today!

Let's go NYC!!!

I promised myself I would try my darnedest to not get too negative in my postings. I want to hold onto positivity because I truly feel that positive thinking yields positive results. But as you know from my last post, my confidence in the fact that people will follow through is a little weak. I don't necessarily mean this on a civilian level, but what in the world is going on with NYC administration and government? If I can come to terms with the fact that I have been dabbling and am willing to do something about it, I hope my city is too. We are living in a time in which extreme change is necessary. 2012 is looming folks, but we'll save that for another post!

I'm not here to get all political on you guys, and I know you all probably have as much as you can take in terms of critiques about how the recent snow storm was handled here in NYC, but I gotta say it! It's clear the whole country could afford a little reform, and I'm not going to point fingers or anything, but take a moment to swallow this little statistic. Some 2000 pounds of confetti were released into the air on New Year's Eve of this year (according to NY 1). Now I'm all about tradition, and I love a party as much as the next one, but who in there right mind made the decision to go through with this? I understand that times are rough, and it's important for people to be able to celebrate. Not only that, our city could not economically afford to cancel the Time Square celebration which brought in approximately 48.7 million visitors and yielded approximately 21 billion dollars (according to NY1...I like NY1 if you haven't noticed), but was all that excess trash necessary amidst one of the worst snow storms NYC has seen in years? After Sunday December 26th's storm, NYC received about 15 to 25 inches of snow depending on the area. Essentially the Department of Sanitation was split 3 ways: salting and clearing streets of snow, carting away garbage that had been accumulating since before Christmas Eve which still remains on many streets, and now cleaning up this senseless waste known as confetti.

Now 2,000 pounds may not be much in the grand scheme of things. In comparison to the amount of snow fall or accumulation of garbage I know it's a small fraction, but every truck counts; every dollar counts. Wouldn't it have just been easier to withhold some confetti in the name of the snow debacle? I'm sure people would certainly understand as long as given some notice. We've dealt with changes before. To name a few: the crack down of drinking at this event as well as enclosing guests behind gates. I'm all for these changes. They make it more fun and much more safe for everyone as a whole not to mention the fact that drinking might make it a bit more difficult to hold your bladder as you are not allowed to leave these aforementioned gates in order to use the bathroom. I know from experience...PAINFUL! Point being if the public has dealt with these major changes, I do believe we'd all be willing to forgo a little confetti. It is this lack of attention to little details that combines into an explosion of issues that seem hard to handle. This is just one small example. Well, NYC and NY state, it is time to change some habits. We need to start paying attention to details. Maybe we can set an example, and other states will follow suit. Let's go NYC! Quick Dabbling!

To end on a positive note, once again thanks to NY1 for this little tidbit, NYC plans to keep the ball up all year. Now that's clever. If we're spending all this loot on the ball we might as well allow it to be an attraction all year...way to use your noodle NYC; I know you have in ya!

Ahhh the New Year!

So it is yet again the beginning of a New Year; the time when so many people turn a new leaf. One of my main resolutions is to quit dabbling and buckle down--do something real. You know commit to something. I've always been a dabbler. It's quite surprising that I didn't chose liberal arts as my college major, but I didn't. I made a weak attempt to commit to the sciences...or maybe not so weak in comparison to some of my peers. I've come to terms with the fact that I never really master anything. I kind of pick here pick there but never really get exceptional at anything. I always thought that this was because I had so much passion and could not decide, but I'm beginning to think the truth is that I'm afraid to choose a path.

I've always had an affinity for writing, but fear that this would not yield a job pushed me to study the sciences even though I'm a little weak here. I thought my ambition would push me through with flying colors. I concentrated on one of my other passions--the environment. Surely I thought it would be fantastic. To be honest the majority of my classes were eh, and I truly feel as if I didn't learn much. Nothing stuck. I think that's a phenomenon that we are all facing as my generation comes up in the world. We're not really trained to do much. It is possible for nearly anyone to get an education these days...it's a sort of inflation of the college degree. I really feel that this phenomenon has spilled over into the real world as well. It is not just academia that is suffering. Maybe it has to do with the fact that our country is stagnating at the moment possibly caused by the economic crisis or whatever they're calling it these days.

It is rare that you find someone that is truly exceptional at what they do. What is the reason for this? Are people being hired that are simply not qualified? Is there a lack of checks and balances and some employees just get away with doing nothing or partaking in unprofessional practices? Maybe places are just understaffed. I don't know, but it seems mighty unfair that in a time when obtaining a good job is so difficult that people tend not to do what they're supposed to and are still able to keep there jobs or are able to keep a job to minimal work. The best example I can think of is the management company for my last apartment of which I will not bore you with details, but it didn't end pretty for me.

Anywho, I really need to do some research and figure out what position I would like to obtain in this world, and figure out how to get. Surprisingly this is much easier said than done. I feel like I wasn't prepared in college for what I might want to do in the real world. Nobody from academia ever really asked me what I want to be. Graduated in environmental science, I feel that there is actaully a lot of ambiguity as to what job titles exist. I just wish someone had maybe steered me in some direction. My plan was to try to get a job for DEP, but unfortunately government agencies have has a freeze for some time. So then what? 2 years after graduating and weeding out spammy job finding websites I'm finally getting a handle on what is out there. My question is why is this so difficult? I feel like maybe my generation is in limbo between the old fashioned world in which you go into a company, look a real person in the eye, hand them a resume, and shake their hand and this digital world in which everything works through emails going to a faceless person. Maybe the bugs haven't quite been worked out. Believe me, I have charm, and I think if I could chat with someone in person I would be able to weasel a job out of the conversation. And I would be good at that job too! I would do my best, and make it my own, my passion.

But now what to do? It seems like it should be a simple answer, but it's not one that many agree on or even have decent advice on. I feel as if I'm stuck in the middle, and the few skills that I do have are drying up. Well this is the day that I say no more! I'm going to commit and hone my skills. If I can't find a job right now, I'm going to put all my time and effort into figuring out what I need to focus on and learn up. I need to figure out what are my hobbies and what are my passions and what I can see myself doing every day. I really think I just need to open my own business, but only time will tell. Now if you'll excuse me my boyfriend is snoring in the other room, and I need to go put a sock in it!